Manipulation techniques in violent relationships
Paths to healing and self-liberation
In this article, you’ll learn—through real-life examples—how emotional blackmail is used in violent relationships to exert power and control. Violent relationships poison your physical and mental health because they trap you in a state of overwhelming negative emotions: chronic stress, fear, anger, guilt, self-doubt, sadness… Breaking free from such relationships is extremely difficult. This article aims to help you recognize whether you are a victim of emotional blackmail and to provide first steps on how you can liberate yourself.
Manipulative tactics and their effects
“Do what I want, or terrible things will happen to you.”
This is the structure of emotional blackmail. The threat can be spoken outright by the perpetrator, but more often it is an unspoken command. The victim knows very well what the manipulator expects—and what feelings will arise if those expectations aren’t met. These are usually terrible emotions: fear, panic, or guilt. Victims of emotional blackmail are trapped in a fog of fear, guilt, and exaggerated duty. They live under constant stress.
Psychologist Dr. Susan Forward vividly explains in her book Emotional Blackmail the symptoms, causes, types of blackmailers, and possible ways to break free from this macabre game.
In this article, I want to summarize key aspects and add my own reflections. In my practice, I often see clients suffering from anxiety and panic attacks, and very often there is a connection to emotional blackmail in their lives. The blackmailer can be found in families, workplaces, or partnerships.
I want to emphasize the elements I consider crucial—with the goal of raising awareness about the connection between anxiety disorders and emotional blackmail, and to “wake people up.”
I highly recommend all affected individuals read Susan Forward’s book in full and seek support, since escaping this form of manipulation alone is very difficult.
The 4 Types of emotional blackmailers
The Punisher
The Sufferer
The Self-Punisher
The Seducer
Examples of emotional blackmail by type
The Punisher
The Punisher directs anger straight at the victim.
Example: “If you don’t answer the phone when I call, I’ll disinherit you.” (Father to one of my clients, a college-aged daughter. He keeps calling until she picks up.)
The sufferer
The Sufferer triggers guilt in the victim.
Example: “If I can’t celebrate your birthday with you, I’ll be so sad and lonely.” (Unspoken consequence: “I’ll drink.”) This client is in her mid-20s and has cared for her alcoholic mother since childhood. When she finally dared to celebrate her birthday without her mother, the mother showed up in the middle of the night—injured and without her keys.
Another case in my practice: “If you don’t answer the phone, I’ll worry so much. I’ll be terrified that something happened to you—or that you died. If you don’t answer, I’ll panic and could have a heart attack and die.” (Implied consequence: “My death will be your fault.”)
The Self-Punisher
The Self-Punisher threatens self-harm.
A classic in toxic partnerships: “I can’t live without you. If you leave me, I’ll kill myself.” Or: “If you weren’t like this, I wouldn’t need to drink.”
Example: A mother texted her adult daughter—who had asked for a break—saying, “If your sister and father reacted like you, I wouldn’t have survived.” (The break was due to a shocking revelation of sexual abuse within the family.)
The Seducer
The Seducer tests the victim and makes future promises.
Examples:
“If you really care about me, wear the other dress for me.”
“If I matter to you, visit me at least once a week in the hospital and bring me everything I need.”
“I wanted to propose during our vacation, but then I wasn’t sure you’re the right one.”
“It’s our last night together before a long time apart, and you don’t want sex? Don’t you love me?”
“If you really love me, you’ll try anal sex with me.”
“We’ll move in together and get a big, beautiful apartment where you can work from home—but first we need to go on a trip.” (The young woman originally said no to the vacation because of money and time, but was pressured into agreeing.)
The process of emotional blackmail
Emotional blackmail always follows the same cycle:
Demand → Resistance → Pressure → Submission → Repetition
Example dialogue:
Emotional blackmailer (EB): “Don’t leave me alone tonight.” (Demand)
Victim (V): “You know tonight is our girl’s night” (Resistance)
EB: “Come on, it’s just a few hours out.” (Pressure)
Victim: “But I cancelled already last time because of you.” (Boundary weakens)
EB: “If I’m alone, I’ll be so sad and lonely—I might end up going back to the casino.” (Victim mode an threat)
V: “Okay, fine, we’ll do something together tonight.” (Submission)
Next: weekend: Repetition of the cycle
“Don’t leave me alone this weekend…”
If the cycle isn’t broken, the demands never stop. In fact, they escalate. The victim submits to escape the negative emotions—fear of abandonment, guilt, fear of anger. But the cost of submission is loss of integrity, since they act against their own needs.
Early warning signs in relationships
Signs that emotional blackmail may appear later:
Excessive need for control
Strong dependency
Severe mood swings
Possessive behavior
Overly intense contact (“can’t live without you”)
Excessive love bombing (mistaken for passion)
More red flags can be found in the book Genug ist Genug by Silke Gronwald and Almut Siegert, who interviewed ten experts on narcissism, egocentrism, and emotional abuse.
Consequences of toxic relationships
Constant stress. Low self confidence. Loosing or damaging other relationships. “Walking on egg shells”, trying to behave correct to avoid their punishment.
You will feel anxious that something will happen to the manipulator.
A sense of obligation. Guilt: “I’d feel responsible if something happened.”
Remind yourself: you’re two adults. The manipulator acts like a child (“I’ll hold my breath until I explode”).
A question that helps: Where is it written that I have to do xy (the demand of the manipulator)
For example: .. an adult woman must tell her father everything about her daily life? Where is that written?
To heal, you must start recognizing and prioritizing your own needs. Integrity is restored when you meet your emotional needs: if you need rest, rest—and turn off your phone.
People under chronic stress with panic attacks need inner calm.
Ending violent relationships:
First steps toward liberation and a fresh start
Become aware of the blackmail components: the demand, the threatened consequence, and the flimsy arguments justifying it. Compare them to reality.
Example:
Demand: “You must always answer the phone.”
Threat: “If you don’t, I’ll get so upset I might die.”
Flimsy argument: “You know it terrifies me if you don’t answer.”
Reality: “You’re an adult. If I don’t answer, it means I’m busy, not that something bad happened. You can learn to manage your fear. Your reaction is exaggerated.”
Self-Assertion and Boundaries
Stand by your rules and set boundaries where others try to hurt or manipulate you.
You’re allowed to set your own rules. It’s your life.
Your feelings are not up for debate. No one can declare your emotions “wrong.” It’s your perception.
Don’t fear anger. It’s natural, signaling that your boundaries have been violated. Don’t suppress it, or it will build up—or be displaced onto addictions, overeating, overwork, or others.
Separate opinion from fact. If someone calls you “selfish,” that’s their opinion, not truth. You know you’re allowed to care for yourself—you are valuable and deserve health and happiness.
Every adult is responsible for their own emotions and actions.
Your new behavior won’t please the manipulator. They’ll try to control you again—through silence, yelling, playing the victim, spreading rumors. Repeat to yourself: “I can endure this.”
Humor creates distance
Imagine the manipulator acting like a toddler throwing a tantrum—it helps you detach.
If you have questions about this topic or want my support in ending your toxic relationship, feel free to reach out.